Before I start on my latest rant, I must make something clear. The vast majority of my friends are, in some way, involved in the beer industry. Virtually every ‘work’ meeting I have is held at Banana Jam Cafe, most social engagements involve lengthy discussions about new breweries, new beers, great beer, crap beer, about homebrewing, microbrewing, beer pairing or organising beer festivals. I basically live beer and, save for the occasionally over-technical conversation on water pH or alpha-amylase versus beta-amylase, I don’t tire of the topic. What I do tire of are certain phrases, certain ‘facts’ that you hear over and over and over again. So in honour of National Women’s Day this Friday (cause, y’know – women like to complain   ), I bring you a rant about beer stuff I’m fed up of hearing.

1. FEAR OF AN EMPTY GLASS IS CALLED CENOSILLICAPHOBIA

I cannot tell you how often this fascinating fact pops up on my Twitter feed. Did you know…? Yes, I did know, just like I know that cerevisaphile is a devout lover of beers and that a labeorphilist collects beer bottles. I can’t pronounce or spell any of these words, but I know about them because I too can Google “beer trivia” and read the same crap on a dozen lists. There’s got to be some fact more interesting to cite. Did YOU know that in 1854 there were 13 breweries in Cape Town?

2. THE PHRASE “FIZZY YELLOW LAGER”

As in, “we brew/drink craft beer, not fizzy yellow lager”. Well you know what – light lager, by its very nature, is supposed to be yellow and fizzy. It is the beer of choice for an estimated 90% of the world and to disregard it outright is like saying “I don’t eat fluffy white bread” or “I don’t eat sweet, brown chocolate”. What’s more, there are plenty of microbreweries, particularly in South Africa, that feature a light lager in their repertoire – or does a lager become less fizzy and less yellow if it’s brewed on a small scale? You’ve all drunk a fizzy yellow lager at some point, you’ve all enjoyed one on a hot day, you’re being rude to people who choose that style as their favourite and you’re overlooking what a difficult style of beer it is to brew.

3. “BLACK LABEL HAS WON MORE AWARDS THAN ANY OTHER BEER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE”

Or words to that effect. If you live in South Africa, you’ve undoubtedly heard about the many, many awards that Black Label has won, but how many of them (at least 25 at my last count) could you name? A beer snob friend suggested that it does well at the Black Label awards, where it wins Best Black Label of All when compared with other things that have black labels. I believe that it wins in contests only open to beers that are produced in billion hectolitre quantities or similar – awards that many frankly better beers are not eligible to enter. And anyway, I don’t care how many awards it’s won – I still don’t like it.

4. “CRAFT” AUTOMATICALLY MEANS “BETTER”

In the past two years, South Africa has become a nation of beer snobs. Actually, that’s not quite true – it’s become a nation of beer hipsters, who shun mass-produced beers in favour of “craft” beers purely on principle. But you know what – just because it’s craft, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better. I don’t want to be the one to break this to you, but there are some crap craft beers in this country (and in other countries too, for the record). There are some truly awesome ones as well of course, and those are my beers of choice. I like to support the local, little guy, I like to drink something that’s been made with heart, with creativity and with hands-on passion. But I also like to drink something that tastes good and if the choice is a pint of sour, medicinal or just plain badly-made beer over something like, say, a Pilsner Urquell (a truly superb beer I might add) or a Castle Milk Stout, then taste beats being cool in my book.

5. THE PHRASE “CHEMICAL BEER”

“Craft beer is all-natural and has no chemicals, while SAB‘s beer is full of preservatives”. If you haven’t said it yourself, you doubtless know someone who has. Well here’s the thing – you’ve never drunk a beer without a preservative. Am I blowing your mind? Hops. Hops are preservatives. I know that’s not what you’re talking about though. You’re talking about nasty numbers that make the beer last forever. Well, most or at least many breweries add something to their water to remove impurities or adjust the pH, and SAB certainly use certain enzymes and adjuncts to get more from their mash, but if you’re talking about making beer last longer, that’s what pasteurisation is for – and I happen to know that a couple of South African craft breweries pasteurise their beers as well…

6. YOU SHOULD DRINK STOUT AT THE END OF YOUR PREGNANCY TO HELP WITH BREAST FEEDING

If I had a pint lined up for every time someone’s said this to me since I’ve been pregnant, I’d be drinking my body weight in dark beer once the baby is born. So you’ve avoided booze for seven or eight months, but suddenly, a month or so before you’re due you start drinking, purely in the interests of increasing your boob milk. It doesn’t make a great deal of sense really, particularly since I can’t find a shred of evidence anywhere that stout does anything to help with breastfeeding. I often wonder if people get a bit confused, thinking that maybe milk stout refers to the drink’s production abilities, but in fact I think it’s a myth perpetuated by Guinness back in the “Guinness is good for you” era. Well, for the record, there are less calories in a pint of Guinness than a pint of lager and from everything that I’ve read, if anything it’s the hops that help with breast milk. So thanks for your concern, but no, I am not drinking stout while I’m pregnant and if I’m going to use breastfeeding as an excuse to drink beer once the baby is born, I’ll be ordering an IPA.

7. ANYTHING OTHER THAN A LIGHT LAGER IS A CRAFT BEER

“Just had a Duvel – I love #craftbeer”; “Sipping on an Erdinger Weissbier, #luvcraft”; “Castle Milk Stout is the best mass-produced craft beer”. These are all phrases I’ve read on blogs, Facebook or Twitter. Would it surprise you to know that Duvel Moortgat is one of Belgium’s largest breweries? Or that Erdinger is the world’s largest producer of wheat beer? That doesn’t mean that the beers aren’t good – Duvel, Erdinger and yes, Castle Milk Stout are all great beers. But are they craft beers? Well, at the moment there is no official definition of craft beer in SA, but the term usually refers to something brewed on a smaller scale, so no, none of the above would be likely to qualify. My point here anyway, is that there seems to be a belief that anything that is not mass-produced “fizzy yellow lager” (stuff brewed on a smaller scale makes the grade) is automatically a craft beer. And this brings me on to the final thing I am fed up of hearing at the moment in South Africa:

8. THE TERM “CRAFT BEER”

I know you’re going to call me out on this one. I go on about craft beer all the time and maybe that’s why I’m sick of hearing the term. Maybe ‘microbrewed beer’ would be better, or ‘artisanal beer’. Or let’s be rebellious and call it just plain ‘beer’. Why do we feel the need to constantly tell people that we’re drinking what’s cool and hip? “Just dropped into {insert bar name here} for a pint of craft beer”. Would the status update be any less interesting if we didn’t know you were drinking “craft”? I think one of the reasons this bugs is is no.7 above – that there isn’t really a definition of what craft beer is. And then there’s a little of what I touched on in point no. 4. Some “craft” beer simply isn’t any good, so you tell me – does drinking “craft” blindly, even if it tastes like ass, rather than fessing up to ordering a pint of something brewed on a large scale make you a cool hipster…or an idiot?

Fancy a rant? Is there something that’s said about beer that drives you to drink? Share it in the comments box below. Unless it’s about beer bloggers who rant too much, then I probably won’t approve your comment…

This post was first published on The Craft Beer Project.